April 09, 2008
Chuck Klosterman on Beating-Up 5-year-olds
From Esquire Magazine:
Of course there's something wrong with a Website that calculates how many kids you could beat up. It's just not quite what you think.By Chuck Klosterman
As a longtime critic of both children and antigladiator legislation, you'd think I'd love a Website that calculates how many five-year-old kids I could theoretically defeat in a street brawl. Sadly, this is not the case. Despite its promising concept, I see a lot of flaws in HowManyFiveYearOldsCouldYouTakeinaFight.com. I question its scientific validity.
After punching my personal data (and my self-styled fighting philosophies) into the site's prompts, I was informed that I could maul about seventeen kindergartners, assuming the skirmish took place in an enclosed basketball court and we all wore groin cups. Now, granted, this total does seem roughly accurate. However, I fear this Website only considers the "average" five-year-old. What if these youths are like the kids from season four of The Wire? They'd kill me instantly. What if these five-year-olds are like all those fat, PlayStation-obsessed brats I see on youth soccer fields across America? I'm sure I could take eighty of those insecure [mother******]. Unless I see some real data showing what kind of five-year-olds I would be theoretically facing, I cannot support the soft methodology of this Website.
I'm sorry, HowManyFiveYearOldsCouldYouTakeinaFight.com. Try again.
Fellas, get Klosterman's book. He's hilarious. Five-year-olds, thoughts, fellas?
I took the quiz and I could take on 24 5-year-olds.
Posted by anthony at April 9, 2008 08:28 AM | TrackBack...and who could ever say that you are masochistic? :)
Posted by: shawn at April 9, 2008 08:43 AMI, too, could overcome 24 5-year-olds. That makes me feel pretty confident if I am ever visiting an elementary school.
And I agree on Klosterman's book. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is the funniest book I have read in the last five years or so. His chapter on "Saved By the Bell" changed my life.
Posted by: Todd Gwennap at April 9, 2008 09:57 AMThere is something really, really sick here....
Posted by: Bike Bubba at April 9, 2008 12:13 PMI'm old and round -> and it says I could take 12! Just as long as they are old for their age and round, too!
Posted by: Just Meee~ at April 9, 2008 01:05 PMI could only take 14. That is just not right :-)
Posted by: gid at April 9, 2008 02:34 PM30!! Gotta love those long arms!
Posted by: Oesch at April 9, 2008 04:36 PMshucks I gotta 22...
Posted by: noblevessel at April 12, 2008 12:53 AM28. Apparently teaching middle school does toughen you up. haha
Posted by: dramaturge at April 12, 2008 01:33 PMI scored 24 too. I also have an 8 year old, a 4 year old and a 2 year old who like to "fight" with daddy. So I guess I should've scored higher.
Posted by: Matt at April 16, 2008 10:00 PM