The Institute (協会)

As a single guy (i.e. not the annointed) this hits home. All the singles seminars I choked through in my 20's said to "just work on yourself in the meantime". Now that I'm in my 30's, the motivation to be a man of character is waining as my cynicism increases. On the other side, I see many of my married friends going through serious crap (affairs with relatives, wife-beaters, etc.) and know "there for the grace of God go I"...that I'm not in-vulnerable...and this doesn't motivate me for marriage either. While I can't dog the Keatons and the Cosbys (I love the 80's), I also simply wish I had more answers.

You're right Anthony, we live in a culture of men that doesn't always know how to deal with failure. We grew up on video games where we could restart and set the difficulty setting lower, heros on TV who always win, and even our parents were told to never scorn us or "squelch our spirits" with discipline.

Scott said, "the motivation to be a man of character is waining as my cynicism increases. On the other side, I see many of my married friends going through serious crap (affairs with relatives, wife-beaters, etc.) and know "there for the grace of God go I"...that I'm not in-vulnerable...and this doesn't motivate me for marriage either"

Wow, bro, that's so on point. There are lots of guys that feel this way but the annointed sadly are clueless about it and don't know how to help guys.

Eddie J said, "We grew up on video games where we could restart and set the difficulty setting lower"

Bro, that's brilliant. I so gonna still that from you and use. I'm serious. I'm gonna use that one real soon. I can give you credit for it if you'd like.

That's soooooo true!!!!! Good words, bro, very good!

I don't know all the solutions, but I do know that one great way to reach out to men that are hurting is to be an usher at church. It's not the Biblical holy kiss, but handing out bulletins and meeting someone's syes with a smile does a LOT of good.

At least for me.

This is indeed common. I have some friends who are involved in something called the Samson Society, and from all reports it is a place where men can be real about their lives without the Christian cliches. A lot of healing going on there, and hope in the midst of hopelessness.

Perhaps someone considers this a cliche, but it's not an easy thing at all. Anyone who is putting all their hopes and dreams into marriage is putting their eggs in the wrong basket. Marriage is not (and cannot be) a substitute for the relationship that marriage was intended to portray. Seeking ultimate happiness there is a recipe for disaster, the same as seeking ultimate happiness in work or earthly possessions. It all rots.

Marriage is a great responsibility, which means it is both a burden and a joy. It can be rightly delighted-in, but it is also rightly a heavy load. The father, especially, is saddled with a great weight of love and care, and the best response to someone in this situation is to encourage perseverance in the Cross. It is the father, especially, who needs to be able to consider his family wisely, and humbly contemplate divorce if there is unfaithfulness (especially if it's serial).

Husbands also need to have friendships - real friendships - where they are open and honest about their lives. I think people look at role models and think to themselves, "Those guys do it all by themselves." Well, maybe so, but I doubt it. In any case, the rest of us mere mortals need solid, faithful Christian guys to encourage, rebuke, and sharpen us for the crushing task of fatherhood. Nobody can do it alone, and they shouldn't try.

So true!!!!! We want everything to work out perfectly and when things dont go right we fall apart. A few years ago, I was fresh out of college excited to tackle the world and accomplish so many things. My teachers instilled in me that I would be very successful and go far in life. When things didnt appear to be going in that direction, I freaked out and said things like "I wish I was dead" and consistently got down on myself. I dont know how to fix myself let alone anybody else that deals with this, but I think this kind of forum and real friendships (as discussed above) will get us far.

I think christian cliches cause a lot more pain (from experience). Rather I believe being there for the person in need is key. I was deeply hurt when I was dealing with anxiety/depression and people just said to "pray" or "read your bible". While I think these kind of remarks are good and true, in my warped mind I felt that people truly didnt care for me.

The other thing we need to figure out is how to reconcile our beliefs/truths (in our minds) and our thoughts/emotions.

I have been very encouraged by the comments on this blog in the last few threads. Keep up the discussions!!!!

This is so pitiful Anthony. Yes, the American dream disappoints. It's also sad that the church isn't equipping it's people to deal with it. We are failing to meet people where they are in their pain.
We often hear from our pulpits that once you're a believer, you live happily ever after. Or at least you get "peace." You never hear anyone sharing the gospel by saying "come to Christ so you can suffer." We simply don't teach people how to deal with pain in a Godly way. I know I could use that teaching.
What does it look like to see the Lord give and take away, and say blessed be His name?
I must say, as a woman, I am grateful to see Godly men asking these questions.

Reminds me of this quote from Fight Club:
"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh-- we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. "

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=powcocs&search=tag

Fellas, watch both these. Good stuff from the Samson Society.

Thanks Matthew, I'm gonna get the book too!!

One more thing…
I liked what you said about “Ahhhh, to spend the rest of life quarantined in the "40-plus" singles group at your church for local service projects, camping trips, and Bible studies."
I’ve always dislike singles groups anyway (too much like groups of panicked salmon looking to spawn). Lately I’ve been asking myself where I fit in the church. For those few churches that have a decent men’s ministry, I’m tired of hearing about how to be a better father and husband. It seems all the church has to say to me is to avoid porn…which is important but is that all the feeding I get? Is there a community for me?

Here’s a quote I found last week that keeps running through my head.
“None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free.” - Pearl S. Buck
Not that being a single male means that I am not free. To me this quote speaks to that feeling I have when people presume to know what I’m going through because they were at one time single. Having lived in my singleness for ten to fifteen years longer than most of my friends means that I have a different understanding (some might label it insanity, appreciation, or even selfishness) for how I view my relationships….so don’t insinuate that you know what I’m going through based on your experience from a decade ago.

I like the comment/quote from Fight Club...good stuff....but I can't talk about it.

Scott, this is awesome stuff you're saying!!!! E-mail me, you're hittin' all cylinders. I'd like to use your comments for something. abradley@acton.org

Frese said,

"When things didnt appear to be going in that direction, I freaked out and said things like "I wish I was dead" and consistently got down on myself. I dont know how to fix myself let alone anybody else that deals with this, but I think this kind of forum and real friendships (as discussed above) will get us far."

Ouch, sorry, bro. That's pathetic that you had face that in the church. Because the church in America is structured to meet the needs of 40-something year-old women and their children, we people come across guys like you they don't know what to do. Sad.

Ben B, the fight club joint you posted is totally on point!!

Scott said, "To me this quote speaks to that feeling I have when people presume to know what I’m going through because they were at one time single. Having lived in my singleness for ten to fifteen years longer than most of my friends means that I have a different understanding (some might label it insanity, appreciation, or even selfishness) for how I view my relationships….so don’t insinuate that you know what I’m going through based on your experience from a decade ago."

Bro, you need a book contract!! Important reflections here, bro, very important!

Fellas, I think the Samson Society is a good thing to explore. It's pathetic that it even needs to exist because the evangelical church is clueless about creating iron-sharpening communities for men. It's pathetic.

Maybe it comes from singing feminine lyrics like "Hold me close, let your love surround me. Bring me near, draw me to your side" or "Oh Lord, you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek."

No more prom songs to Jesus please.

Scott, also said:

"Lately I’ve been asking myself where I fit in the church. For those few churches that have a decent men’s ministry, I’m tired of hearing about how to be a better father and husband. It seems all the church has to say to me is to avoid porn…which is important but is that all the feeding I get? Is there a community for me?"

Ahhh, bro, sorry you don't fit in. Didn't you ge the e-mail yet? You're only job in life as a Christian man is stay sexually pure. That's all the church asks of men. Otherwise, you're basically useless. Wait, churches need ushers and guys to collect the offering. I guess that's something, huh?

This is really eye-opening. Thanks for sharing. I often have conversations with my girlfriends about how the Feminist American Dream of being able to have it all - a full successful, powerful career and beautiful well adjusted kids and you can give 110% to BOTH - was a big lie. A lie that many of us are either realizing and trying to find the right balance or have ran away and avoided marriage because we knew intuitively that it couldn't work.

It is really interesting to hear from men the pressure they feel to have the American Dream and how daunting and elusive and soul-crushing it could be to either *almost* have it or to feel like you are continually chasing it.

You never hear this perspective in churches or Christian culture. But it needs to be aired so that men can heal. How can we as a Christians expect men to lead their families in a healthy and affirming wa if their picture of that family is so skewed to begin with.

...wow...just, wow.

I can't tell you all how much this all resonates with me as well. Struggling to figure out why church sucks for single men, wondering why I feel like Super-Loser-3000 for being 30 and single.

Tell you what, let's do something about this. Why don't we as single men invade the church and demand that singleness be made the norm and marriage the exception to that norm.

Someone write a book addressing this issue.

Perhaps somehow we can all contribute to smashing this idol of the American Dream™. It's shocking to hear that the depth of failure to achieve this dream drives men to ask for death instead of life.

I would comment, but maybe I'm too young still to really empathize, but I do feel very much the same, and fear that I will never leave the path of singleness.

It's such an issue in my life, that I made a film about it. If you want to see it, go to my youtube link:

It's in two parts:

Part 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_crqJ6FeEPY

Part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cq8s73nopQ

I know it's probably got a lot of Christian cliches in it, but maybe some of you will resonate with it. This discussion is really important, and needs more attention!

Dooge, good stuff bro!! The revolution continues. . .

What happens when the church puts everyone into classes that match their age group and then the group leaves you behind? Some folks are rebelling against that model, and going whole-church meetings only. The world yaks on and on about community and so does the church, but how seriously do we take baptism? How available are we to one another?
Baptism is death to self and life to the body of Christ. It says to the Church: you all have a claim on my life through Jesus Christ. I belong to you. I am also your responsibility. You are steward over me.

I went through most of my stuff early on. I guess I'm one of the anointed now. But that could change in a moment. Now matter how good things are, we are all only 5 minutes away from ruining it all. I could walk out the door right now and do something stupid enough to make my life miserable. I'd be hanging my head like Sting and Johnny. And Jim Bakker and Mike Trout and, God I heard about the guy who discipled me ten years ago the other day! Divorced his deaf wife because he want copping feels on women he was counseling at church. WTF?!?
I'm gonna look into this Samson thing, but I've got one really good buddy in my life, and he matters more to me than anyone at my church has for ten years. We need that. We need beer and cigars and fishing boats, and late nights, and big fights, and forgiveness, and real life.

Nathanael Snow
ndsnow@gmail.com

No prob Anthony, you can quote me. =^)

And another thing….. (I’m having trouble getting away from this topic)

I don’t want to totally tear-down the “ideal” as it’s important to have a goal or something “higher” to strive for. I’ll admit that (and I don’t think it’s hard to see) that I’m a bit bitter and cynical. I’ve heard the expression that if you scratch the surface of a cynic, you will find an idealist. I think there is truth to that.

I recently read in “Bowling Alone: The collapse and revival of American Community” by Robert Putnam that in 1997 the 2 parent 2 kid household was less than 26% of the population…and I’m sure in the 10 years in-between that the statistic has not improved. This means that the target audience for most churches is missing 74% of the population. In addition, the least likely demographic to attend church is white males in their 20’s and 30’s. So as an unmarried white male in his 30’s, does this make me a freak? The non-anointed?

I heard a podcast of a mega-church is Dallas-Ft. Worth that said two of the top 5 questions from visitors are “Where is your kids Sunday School?” and “Do you have AWANAS?” Their approach is to empower everyone in the congregation to be ministers in their own worlds….which in this case means parents are to teach their children and not view it as the church’s responsibility. They have taken the 15 to 25 thousand dollars that would normally be spent on kids curriculum and re-invested it into community projects and teaching their adults. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m anti-kids and Sunday School. You would think that a decision like this would kill church involvement…but instead they are growing like crazy….from around 600 on a Sunday in 2003 to nearly 5000 in 2007. And one of their biggest demographics? White males in their 20’s and 30’s….the very demographic that are least likely to attend church. Hmmmmmmmm.

Very true brotha! coming from someone who has only been married for 5 months (newlywed) it would be great if the "annointed" ones would pull back the curtain and let us see whats really good! I think by doing so both could benifit. We could see how they have struggled and how they dealt with it, and by showing us whats behind stage, it could bring them some humility. I'm young, what do i know?

I think that evangelical single men and women need to learn a lesson from church history by thinking seriously about living in some kind of intentional community with one another. A community that makes a specific, defined commitment to share a common life devoted to worship regularly together (during the week beyond Sunday, I mean), eat together regularly, share household tasks, serve in the community together in some way, engage in hospitality together, and focus on getting to know one another well enough that real friendships can happen. Sound great? They are called monasteries. I think the evangelical church could learn a lot from these orders. Not by simply copying the past, but learning some foundational principles and applying them to the kind of life that one could share in a modern, urban context. Monasteries were some of the key players in rescuing European civilization between 500 and 1000 A.D. The same kind of thing could happen today.

And there is also the possibility for having intentional communities that include singles, married couples without children (young and old), and married couples with children.

There are examples of these kinds of intentional communities in various parts of the United States. Do a Google search for "intentional community" or the "new monasticism." Some exciting possibilites here for envisioning practically how life could be different.

Someday, I'm going to start one of these myself or join one that already exists.

Mike,

Like your comments about monasticism...I'd join...email me when we start.
I think the key words are "intentional communities". I know more than one "home church" that has people of the same martial status, same race, same age....what kind of community is that? We all need to be intentional about rubbing up against people who may not be like ourselves if we truly want to pursue community. Obviously my bias (from this thread of postings) is to make sure single males are included and cared for.

Anointed? Well, not exactly--though 1 Corinthians 7 does make it clear that most ordinary Christians really ought to marry and make it work. Part of the problem for the single is simply that we've forgotten this principle, and actively counsel people against it. So you get two eminently marriageable people that meet, love one another, and....have a quarter million bucks in unsecured debt between them, and can't afford to tie the knot, 'cause their jobs are too far apart, and they can't get the pay they need to pay their student loans if they live in the same town.

What does a guy married for over 11 years say to Ricc? Well, first, "congratulations." You've got something good, and increasingly you've beat the odds, sad to say. So to pull back the veil, look at the rest of 1 Corinthians 7; a good marriage does require (duh?) that you attend to the needs of your wife, and sacrifice your own desires (or even life) at times for her.

Single folks out there; I remember being where you are. Hang in there, serve Him, and you're doing the best you can, I think.

well that hits a nerve... i was an annointed one, great wife, great kids, great job, finishing up an MDiv. then the wife says she no longer loves me & is leaving... her boyfriend is a married pca pastor. escape wise, suicide seemed like a good option except i was now raising my kids... i had to hang in there. to help me friends took me to Promise Keepers where i learned that all marital problems/failures are the fault of the husband, great counsel! of course my presbytery told me that i could now never be ordained given my divorce. 15 years later God has blessed with a new wife. our 6 kids are maturing into great people. but my church will not allow me to teach anyone but the 4 year old sunday school class... not exactly what i had in mind while laboring through greek, but God is gracious!

rc, wow!

I'd like to thank you and your crew here for this discussion. It struck me pretty forcibly and when I linked it I found it struck a lot of other folks too.

Couple of points: I don't do churches; that said, after reading around their site, I think the Sampson Society sounds like a good idea. And to Tam:

You never hear this perspective in churches or Christian culture.

I wouldn't blame churches or Christian culture for this. It doesn't get discussed much of anywhere.

This is why one of the required readings for Christians should be a complete study of the Book of Job. Things aren't always rosy for Christians, and anyone who says otherwise isn't following any counsel of God or of Jesus. The lesson of Job is that faith is the one thing that can never be taken from us -- and that, even in the worst of cases, God is there and watching over us, even if we can't understand what's happening.

One more thing that needs to be acknowledged is that most people simply have no clue how to work in a relationship -- because most people are the product of broken homes. The only thing they have first-hand experience with when the going gets rough is to leave. You can say, "I'm not going to do that, I don't want to do what my parents did," but knowing what not to do is way different than knowing what you SHOULD do.

And for those of you guys who are single....in my opinion, God is giving you the opportunity to develop to the hilt the one thing that is most important in a relationship -- loving yourself. Until you work through your insecurities, your regrets, your addictions, and whatnot, you will carry that into a relationship, and it can be poisonous. Paul tells us that a man should love his wife as he does his own body -- but if you don't love your own body, if you don't love yourself, it is impossible for you to truly give and share of yourself with others. Selfishness is insecurity made manifest -- the belief that you can't give of yourself because then you won't have enough or people will find out things about you what you don't want to know.

I few of us are growing in our ability to stomach being in the presence of those men who acquired the ideal existence as advertised--the annointed ones. It's not their fault they had it easy and continue to have it easy...

Who has it easy? Seriously, just because we may present a veneer of 'success' doesn't mean we're any more/less sinful than those who wear it on their sleeve.
I'm not convinced the 'anointed' stereotype family exists.

Let me expound on that point by quoting from a Christmas letter we received this year that needs no further explanation:

"A Bit of Reality-
So you look at all these pictures and maybe someone thinks, 'Oh, what a NICE family!' And we are a nice family. There is mainly love, loyalty, and affection between us. We are a pretty happy family. But we are also messed up. Each of us has 'stuff' inside that plagues us. ____ and I have our scrapes, the boys clash with each other almost everyday, and that means that we have to discipline them. Sometimes we all end up sulking in our rooms. This is reality, isn't it? No matter how glowing anyone's Christmas letter is, none of us live in Utopia right? Everyone of us is in a battle.

"The greatness of Christmas is that through Christ, we win. We are 'saved' from ourselves! Can somebody give me an AMEN? Praise God that His grand plan comes in where we are weak and gives us His victory. May you have a victorious and joy filled holiday!"