The Institute (協会)

What's Your Story? Meet "Brutha" Michael, born in China And Now A Berkeley Student Who Tells Of Deep Loss, Deep Friendships, Difficulities With Chrisitans

I refuse to be pigeon-holed by other people. I do not want other people to be able to just slap a stereotyped label on me--Michael

The best thing that has ever happend to me is meeting my two best friends.--Michael

I was afraid that if I got to know my mother, it would make her passing even worse.-Michael

Some people say that all scars heal with time, but I'm not so sure about that.--Michael

Michael, also know as "Humanflyz" (one of the "Bruthas" on the left) was born and raised in China. He came to the US when he was eleven, and living here since then has been an adventure mixed with joy and pain. He's now a citizen of the US and attending the University of California, Berkeley as a second-year student planning to double major in Political Science and Legal Studies.

I asked him to tell us his story because he is not only brilliant but also authentic. Honest. Real. He will tell us about the effects of Mom's death, his broken relationship with his Dad, his difficulties with talking to Christians (yeah, some of you) if you don't believe in God, the stuff that really pisses him off, and what it means to be a man.

When I first read his blog I couldn't stop reading it. It combines brutal honesty with insightful cultural reflection. Are all UC-Berkeley students like this?

Who Am I?
"My personality is somewhat self-contradictory. Most people who don't know me can't really quite make out what my real personality is because I often catch them by surprise. They may think of me as an Asian gangster-wannabe because they see that I curse a lot and listen to rap music. But suddenly I will switch up on them and write a really intellectual essay and bust out my Bob Dylan CDs. Or people may think of me as this foul-mouthed, ironic, and sarcastic person, but when they read my blog, they suddenly discover that I am also capable of sincerity, sensitivity, and sentiments. I believe that is the fundamental nature of my personality: I refuse to be pigeon-holed by other people. I do not want other people to be able to just slap a stereotyped label on me, so I try my best to keep people guessing. But no matter how I act, I am always thinking and analyzing everything.

There is not one thing, no matter how trivial, that I have not given a lot of thought to, to see if I can find some deeper meaning beneath the surface. This of course led me to discover the hypocrisies and ironies in this world, so that's where my sarcasm and satire come from. This also made me very ironic, and often I would say something very ironic and no one around me gets it. Yet to the people who really know me, my intimately close friends, I am a kind, intelligent, sincere, and principled person who enjoys nothing more than a good joke, a good meal, good books, and good friends--the simple pleasures in life. Whatever "mask" that I may put on, whether it's sarcastic, bitter, cynical, or contemptous, is just my way of trying to have a little fun with my world."

Michael's journey continues below. It's nothing less than courageous disclosure!

Close Friends: The New Family

"The best thing that has ever happend to me is meeting my two best friends. I've spent countless hours with them, and we have become brothers to each other. The emotional and intellectual support
and company we share has made my life that much easier to bear. Even though all three of us are going to different colleges, and we don't get to hang out as much as we did in high school, I feel
nothing has changed. In fact, our friendship has probably gotten stronger because each time we see other, the more we come to appreciate our past and look forward to our futures. My friendship with them is probably the best thing that has happened to me, because without that friendship, I think I would've given up a long time ago."

His Mom's Death Devasted
The worst thing that has ever happened to me is my mother's death and the devastating effects it had on my entire family. My mother came to the US when I was one, and I haven't seen her since until I came to America. But a month after I arrived, she was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know how to deal with the news, so I avoided any confrontations with it. I was afrad that if I got to know my mother, it would make her passing even worse.

So I did nothing to get to know my mother, and after she passed away, I couldn't really feel anything resembling genuine grief. I knew, abstractly, that I ought to mourn her because she has given me life, but I just couldn't. That's probably the worst thing I'll ever feel in my life: the inability to mourn for my own mother and the regret that I didn't get to know her while she was still alive.

And it's such a terrible thing, watching someone else's dream completely collapse. My mother came to America beause she wanted me to come eventually, because she believed that America will provide me a better future. That was her dream, and for that dream she gave up her college professorship and came to America, where she worked as a cashier in a supermarket. Yet for all that sacrifice, her dream eventually died, not because of her, but because of something she couldn't possibly control. In a way, my mother not only withered away in body, she withered away in spirit because she saw her years of hard-work completely vaporize in an instant.

My grandparents, who came with me to America, were also in someways spiritually crushed. They didn't plan on staying, but becasue of my mother, they were forced to stay and take care of her. They were college professors too, but they had to get menial jobs to support our family because my mother couldn't work anymore. And when my mother died, I saw that a part of them had died too. I wish that no parent should have to bury their own children, especially theiroldest child. Yet my grandparents did, and the look on their face when my mother was put into the ground still haunts me from time to time, the sheer sorrow and the pain, the utterly hopelessness that look epitomized.

So that is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. Some people say that all scars heal with time, but I'm not so sure about that. Some wounds are just too deep to ever go away, and I acknowledge that, but I have learned to deal with it. And that is also a source of motivation for me.

So, what's up with Dad?
I would say my relationship with my father is glacial. Just like with my mother, I never really knew my father because he deserted my family when I was just an infant. And because of that, I have never tried to understand him or get to know him. Many people say forgive and forget, but I refuse to do so. Therefore, my relationship with my father is indifferent. I merely acknowledge that he is my biological father, but I will probably never really think of him as my father, in the true sense of the word.

What About Christianity and Christians?
My relationship to Christianity, both Protestantism and Catholicism, is a mixed one. On the one hand, I cannot stand the self-righteousness of some Christians who allow no moral flexibility and replaces logical thinking entirely with divine command. But on the other hand, I do really admire Christian's ability to have such strong faith. Faith has always fascinated me philosophically because it is amazing that belief and belief alone, can cause otherwise rational man to commit anything God commands, even if it means killing another person or sacrificing his own life. And in some ways, I respect that: the total belief that inspires the believers to take strong, absolute stands. Yet I am, on a basic level, uncomfortable with most Christians, even the well-meaning, moderate ones. And the reason for that is that it is impossible to discuss anything with them. After all, to Christians, what God says is always right, even if I think there are contradictions or points of controversy. But it is impossible to discuss with them using logic, because faith is not logical. Therefore, if I do not believe in God, then I cannot have a discussion. For this reason I tend to avoid Christians, or at least avoiding discussing anything substantial because then we'd all just be stuck in a loop.

Hey, Don't Ya Hate It When People. . .
Hypocrisy really pisses me off, but I realize that I'm guilty of it pretty much everyday. So in some ways, I really piss myself off sometimes. Another thing I can't stand is self-righteousness. I cannot stand it when someone acts as if he is always right, and that whoever disagrees him with is always wrong. Shallow people really pisses me off, because they seem to just suck every ounce of excitement out of the environment by discussing inane, trivial, bullshit. Another thing I hate is wealthy snobs. In fact, that's the main reason why I turned down Stanford, because when I visited the school, I saw a lot of that WASP-y, Old Money snobbery and middle-class conformity. But the thing that I hate the most is the fact that people do not often use their brains. They do not use their rational capacities to solve problems, insteady relying on irrational impulses to get through life.

On Being A Man
"A 'man' is someone who can act on something even if he knows in his heart and in his mind that he will most likely, or even definitely, fail in his endeavors. The possibility of failure, and even the inevitability of failure, cannot stop a man from doing something that he believes ought to be done. I think that is what separates a real man from any other being who has the capacity for reason. Any self-interested, rational being can arrive at the conclusion that if an action he does will likely fail, then he ought not to do it. But only a real man, a real human being, can overcome that self-interested rationality and continue to do what he believes is right.

I'll give you an example: is it likely that any single individual can make a big difference in our world? No, in fact, the possibility is next to zero, and for all intents and purposes, it is zero. Yet why should that fact stop people from doing the right thing? No one person can convince the entire world that it is wrong to kill innoncent human beings, and no one person can produce any visible consequences. But a real man will continue to do and say what he thinks is right, even though he knows that he will surely fail. After all, how many people can become the next Einstein? Or find the cure to cancer? Maybe a couple, but I can assure you that are millions and billions who are trying, and they try, even though they know their own chances are practically zero.

That's what it means to be a man: never giving up on your principles and dreams even if you know you will die with those principles and dreams unfulfilled. In that respect, I consider myself a man, because I have comes to terms with my limits and my chances of success. This realization came about when I was completely disillusioned about everything: my dreams, my goals, etc. But I would like to think that it is only after all dreams are destroyed can men dream again. So now I go about my life, doing the things that I believe I ought to be doing, even though I know that whatever it is that I do, it will probably not succeed or have an impact on this world. Yet I will always do them, because, simply put, I believe they are the right things to do."

After hearing his story, I realized that if he walked into most churches they would have no idea what to do with him. I wonder why supposed "real" men can seen to get the authenticity thing down? I have much to learn from guys like Michael.

Posted by anthony at September 1, 2005 08:49 AM | TrackBack