July 16, 2007
"Dad Cheated On Mom" Should I Have a Relationship With Him? (and How To Stop Divorce)
Recently, I was talking to one of the kids at church who's Dad left the family for another woman. This kid said that he wanted to have a relationship with his dad but it was hard and awkward because of what the man did to their family. This high school student was deciding if he should have a relationship with his dad at all. Whew, tough. I had no profound words for him. I've had this conversation in nearly every church I've ever done youth work for (except for one very large black baptist church that seemed to have an extremely low divorce rate).
Living in a bad marriage or being a child-victim of divorce must be one of the most brutally painful things a person can live through. I long for the day when I can point my unbelieving friends to marriages at church as a possible model. There seems to be a few extremes: the puritan/Amish type family, the cultural Christian family, the luke-warm/laissez fair family, and "the Mom who's really the father" family--all can produce really jacked-up kids. I have seen a few families functioning well, not perfectly, with kids that love Jesus (and love the neighbors, including unbelievers of multiple races and economic classes as equals) but it wasn't Puritanical at all. They never did family devotions and stuff like that or sent their kids to Christian school.
I recently saw one of the myspace pages for a girl (now in her 20s) that I taught at a Calvinistic Christian school many years ago. I almost cried. She could easily be friends with Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears in every sense of the word. Her dad's ordained.
Years ago, I was told that the only good model for family was the Puritanical one. Is that right? What about the ancient Jewish one, Greek, Italian, Spanish, African, Asian, etc? I dunno. . .
Hey, I saw this list in stop-divorce-now.com advertised on CNN's website. This list seems odd but it's suppose to keep your spouse from walking out. The site offers the magic book that gives the following wisdom:
(1) What to say to your lover if you think they have been unfaithful.
(2) The exact 17 words to say if you discover your mate is going to move out.
(3) What to buy at a drug store in the "baby" section that will totally win your mate back. It's a device so powerful you'll keep it around the house all the time.
(4) How to use your radio to make a "cheating" spouse forsake the affair and be devoted to you.
(5) The "grocery list" you should make to get your mate "addicted" to you.
(6) The "Two Month Trick" one woman used to fall head-over-heels in love with her husband whom she previously hated.
(7) Why you should not listen to most so-called marriage therapists.
(8) How to use the 80/20 rule to make your lover feel totally bonded to you.
(9) The 3 movies you should watch that will reveal the most powerful love secrets ever discovered. (Hint: It's not what you think.)
(10) How to recognize your lover's hidden desires and longings that will make it so that they never leave you.
(11) Don't write a love letter. Don't buy them another gift. Don't fix their car. Don't fix them breakfast... UNTIL you know the addictive power of getting them hooked on THIS.
There's more:
(12) Why you should never say "I love you" at this stage of the game.
(13) Why you should never say "I've changed" at this stage of the game.
(14) How to know if you should buy some new clothes to win your mate back.
(15) Why you should use these "techniques" on any relationship you have... children, co-workers, friends, family, etc.
(16) How to change your mate without them even knowing you're changing them.
(17) DO THIS 4 times, up to 400 times and you will have your mate totally devoted to you. It's easy and it's fun.
Friends, and this is what the world has to offer people? Are you serious? Buying new clothes? Is that it?
Posted by anthony at July 16, 2007 08:44 AM | TrackBackI was one of those high school students about 20+ years ago. What a messed-up year of two of my life that was... or so I thought it would only be messed-up for a year or two. I kidded myself into thinking that my dad's leaving (emotionally; he stayed and let my mom decide enough was enough; how nice of him to stick around, eh?) and parents' divorce didn't have that much of an effect on me. It all comes out in therapy eventually, right?
And, yes, this list is what the world has to offer hurting people, aka "How to say 'I'm fine.' and look like it's really true." I tried indignation and self-righteousness for awhile, too. But, fortunately, God keeps drawing me toward Him and from walking away from my relationship with my dad. Which I have been sorely tempted to do a few times over the years.
The Gospel has so much more to offer these people than the world does. The world's offer just has a prettier package and makes people feel like they get to stay in control, but ultimately it leads to loneliness and despair, doesn't it?
(btw, hi neighbor.)
Posted by: Renae at July 16, 2007 01:27 PMI'm sick to my stomach reading this. There was a banner in Chicago displayed on a car garage for a divorce lawyer's office with the line, "Why wait and miss out on your opportunity?" Underneath was a picture of two torsos, one male and one female, but both obviously cut, built, and super-model material.
As the child of divorced non-Christian parents, nothing they tried worked. They didn't try Jesus, and I'm convinced why they failed. They were married for 17 years.
Our culture BARELY even sees divorce as a negative thing now, is it any surprise that THIS is their solution?
Posted by: Brad at July 16, 2007 01:49 PMI could NEVER forgive my dad if I were in that situation; that is, I could never forgive him apart from Christ in me.
Posted by: Tyler at July 17, 2007 06:22 PM