The Institute (協会)

I married a girl that we literally called, "Little House On the Prairie." She was the oldest of 6 homeschooled ATIA kids (some of you know what that means), so she basically did the teaching. They baked their own bread every day from wheat the ground at home. You get the idea.

So, I married her. I was the '80's party, punk rock (props to 5-Iron/Roper), clubbin' shave-my-head-bald dude, with a 4 foot yellow plastic drag chain like my pet monster.

Now, she's a lot looser, and I'm a little more conservative. Getting married, and showing a lot of love makes a big difference. I'm sure even Laura had a way to surprise Almanzo.

If you doubt it you've never read "The Discovery of Freedom" by her daughter, Rose Wilder Lane.
And you should.

Nathanael Snow

Ok, ok Anthony. I've read your blog for a year. Never felt the need to comment, cuz I'm not your intended audience or whatever. Plus, I get you. and appreciate you. But. Wny the hell do you think the girls you guys are running into are "Laura Ingalls Wilder".... shot in the dark here, um, their dads??? So... while I love the fact (most of the time) that you're radical and never qualify anything... fuckin qualify your shit, cuz these girls are probably like this cuz their dads once told them that they looked like a whore the one time they thought they looked cute! I'm not saying marry the girl. but try to understand what they've been through... and DON'T be the dad that perpetuates the cycle so that the next generation of guys is still blogging about this shit. (sorry for the language- just hits a bit too close to home.)
BTW - 'rescue' is not demeaning... it's about as serious as it gets.

Wow, Starr, I thought that telling your daughter that she looked like a whore was doing her a favor. Perhaps I ought to allow my daughter out of the house with her butt and breasts hanging out and not say anything because she thinks she looks cute. Is that what you're saying? Perhaps some qualification is in order.

Yeah, Starr. The Dad part makes totally sense. I never would have thought about that before. Dads wounding their daughters when they attempt to express feminity. Got it!! This is worth someone writing more about for sure (maybe you!). My guess is that most Dads are clueless about how they can hadicapp their daughters if they don't handle that well.

The "it" that is in need of rescue is to be rescued from boredom. I think we all need people to rescue us from that at times but because we can get into serious ruts.

Qualities we want in a woman are pretty universal, and we ought to foster these qualities in our girls. I re-read my entry above and it's some of the worst writing I've ever done, but since I married "Laura" and now am Papa to two girls, might I say my piece.

Eldridge and Eldridge are awesome on this issue, btw.

1. Beautiful, and knows it. The second part is tricky. Because its a man's job to tell her that she's beautiful. If dads don't, thugs will.
Instead of, "you look like a slut" (I'd like to have a nice long talk with dads who say things like this to their daughters...) how about, "Wow! You are so beautiful! You are becoming a real woman!" then go on to deal with the clothes, which really aren't that big of a deal.

2. Fierce. I just saw 300, and I can honestly say that my "Laura" is a real Gorgo (Leonidas wife.) This is a quality more difficult to discern, but easier if your relationship is not focused on the physical. Instilling this quality is all about approval and encouragement. Your daughters need to be encouraged in their creativity and confidence.

Robert, as jurisnaturalist pointed out, there is a difference between godly, loving encouragement that guides your daughter into dressing modestly, yet attractively, and telling your daughter she looks like a whore. Esp. if her only offense is wearing pants, or stylish clothes rather than shapeless jumpers.

I, like Starr, would encourage men to not fear "rescuing." It may not be the right path for everyone, but sometimes a "prairie" girl is just waiting for someone to come along and tell her it's okay to be herself rather than stuck in the box her father has placed her in.

Robert, I'm really glad you said what you did. I get where you're coming from; however, a young daughter's heart and body are a mysterious, half-formed combination that isn't necessarily in the best place to hear what you're saying as loving and validating. I totally believe that what you want to communicate is protection and love, but coming in that manner it has serious scarring potential. If your daughter knows that you think she is absolutely precious and beautiful (no matter what), she will dress and carry herself overall in a way that communicates self-respect and dignity (aka, she will not dress like a slut). As a father, you have so much more power than you will ever know to forever shape a daughter's heart, identity, and self-conception. YOU will effect every future relationship she ever has - with herself, with guys, with everyone else. 2 scenarios: your daughter comes down the stairs dressed for prom, with her hair and makeup done, a beautiful dress... You think it's too low, it's too tight, etc. (it is your baby girl, i get that). Option 1: you say, "You're wearing that?!" Option 2: you say, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." From my experience as a girl growing up, I will tell you, Option 1 is basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. You crush her spirit so greatly by that one comment that she will listen to anyone who tells her otherwise, even if they have alterior motives. Likewise, option 2 has the potential of becomming her reality - she will leave your house so confident of her place in your heart (the heart of the only man who really matters at that point in her life), that she will carry herself in a way that demands respect. The kinks of personal style work themselves out over time...

Anthony, thanks for getting what I was saying, and for the encouragement (as always) to write.

As men, one of the most important things you can do for your future (or current) wives, daughters, and sisters is to know yourself in your own body. Be willing to work through all of your own shit enough to get to the point that you are confident in who you are. The measure to which you are confident and secure in yourself, is the measure to which the women in your life will feel confident and secure in themselves (it's just the way things work).

Second general point: Growing up as a girl in the church was insanely damaging in this area. the word "modesty" gets thrown around a lot, and basically means 'ugly' so that you don't cause anyone to stumble! (This is where "pairie" girls come from! I can't believe this comes as a surprise!) The opposite extreme is obviously to dress (and act - the 2 are inextricably linked) like a slut. Or, you can do what I did, and just hate being a girl all-together and consider being a lesbian. (i'm not there now, but i have been). Men and women both need to model for the next generation an enjoyment of gender that involves dressing well and carrying ourselves with dignity in our bodies. this need is desperate!

For the record, as a woman, I have a hard time finding men who are not downright homespun themselves! Especially white boys... I'm just saying...

I would re-emphasize what Starr wrote about modesty above. Women in the church are constantly bombarded with messages about how visually oriented men are, how saturated our culture is in sexually explicit images, and how it is our duty as sisters in Christ to dress modestly so that we do not add to their burden in resisting temptation. Without resorting to wearing a burqa, or a prairie-muffin shapeless dress, where do we draw the line?

To the (whiny) men who claim not to be able to find any women to pursue, I would say that we are all works in progress. Women’s femininity blossoms as we relate rightly to men. A man who looks with eyes of faith to see the unique spark of the beauty that could be; the rich possibilities; the “already, not yet” in a young woman’s soul, and who encourages and grows that beauty through a loving and gentlemanly pursuit, he will be a godly husband indeed. A man who looks with eyes of cynicism and contempt, expecting fully-formed perfection, will find himself alone, (whether literally or in an unhappy marriage).

Starr, haha, I totally see that. You seriously ought to write a long essay on this subject. Hmmm, maybe an ind. study?

I want to know how we get to go out to clubs and concerts again!? Three kids, a modest budget and a middle aged body have me and Mrs. Engle at home. Who's here to liberate Charles and Caroline? Maybe we'd like to relive our 20's and drive to ATL for a show at Eddie's Attic. But No, nwe're stuck putting together puzzles of Arthur and playing countless games of SORRY were the three yr old cheats :)

As a modestly homespun white-boy I hear Starr but would like to pose the thought that just because folks are naive doesn't mean they've lived in a trapped or constrained lifestyle. Some folks are homespun because home was a safe and fun place. They are those who've been forced into a sheltered existence and that's wrong on many fronts, but don't assume that all the "Ingalls" out there are so because of a prudish home evironment.

In regards to the comments on raising girls, as a father of one I hear them all gladly. I cherish and love my little girl but know that she will be a woman soon (she already has 7 yr. old suitors).

This is a bigger topic than this space will allow, but it'd be great to sit down one day an talk with you all. You have some good insights but at this point I just see fragments of your thoughts.

Peace.

Starr, you are right on!

It really upsets me when people think that "modest" entails wearing ugly, shapeless, out of date clothes and long hair in a bun. It's just easier to be plain and "prairie" in that environment than to fight the battles.